In addition to seeing separated parents who actually can put the
needs of their children ahead of themselves, I also see a good many
separated parents stuck in unremitting conflict.
Despite all the good information, education, coaching and even cajoling, they are bent on projecting blame and deflecting responsibility while continuously confusing their own needs and wants with the needs of their children. Indeed, while cloaking themselves as their child's bastion of support and advocate of their best interests, their children are visibly straining under the weight of their parents' hostility and animosity.
Whereas we want all children to grow up well, be responsible and prosper, the goals for children of high conflict parents are far more modest. They include mere survival - not committing suicide; minimizing the degree to which they will be affected by mental health problems associated with parental conflict (depression, anxiety, personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder), avoiding pregnancy and finishing high school.
The goals for the parents include, reducing the number of times they go to court; preserving assets that would otherwise go to more expensive forms of conflict resolution (litigation); limiting conflict with the law the result of drug or alcohol abuse or violent behavior; limiting the risk associating with domestic violence. To affect these parental goals, we seek to have them disengage - tall fences make good neighbors. We want them out of each other's hair. To the degree we can meet these goals, the child related goals may fall in line.
Statistically, many of the parents seen as" high conflict", have underlying personality disorders - a very stable, but idiosyncratic view of themselves and others, not supported by objective evidence. Their idiosyncratic view of themselves and the world creates conflict between themselves and others even when they ascribe all manner of blame to the other.
Common to the pattern of personality disorder seen is a fellow with a narcissistic personality disorder and a woman with either a borderline, histrionic or dependent personality disorder. In the event of working with a couple where one parent has a personality disorder, statistically the odds are better than 50/50 that the other parent will have a personality disorder too.
I have a reputation for being willing to take on referrals of these very challenging parents. As challenging as the parents may be, somehow or other, many of them find support systems and even lawyers whose issues mirror their own. This can escalate conflict for all involved and increases the risk of the service provider being scapegoated and becoming a new target of blame in the family drama.
Good guidance seems to fall flat in these situations. Next you need good workers who have strong boundaries themselves, so as to avoid being inducted into the family drama and remain focused on the needs of the children even when positioned as the new target of blame.
The risks of working with these families is actually quite great for the service provider and includes public vilification, spurious claims of impropriety, internet complaints, complaints to licensing bodies and even lawsuits.
Why would anyone do this work?
Kind of like fishing... Many may get away, but occasionally our work really helps a child, even if only modestly.
That makes it all worthwhile.
I am a social worker.
Despite all the good information, education, coaching and even cajoling, they are bent on projecting blame and deflecting responsibility while continuously confusing their own needs and wants with the needs of their children. Indeed, while cloaking themselves as their child's bastion of support and advocate of their best interests, their children are visibly straining under the weight of their parents' hostility and animosity.
Whereas we want all children to grow up well, be responsible and prosper, the goals for children of high conflict parents are far more modest. They include mere survival - not committing suicide; minimizing the degree to which they will be affected by mental health problems associated with parental conflict (depression, anxiety, personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder), avoiding pregnancy and finishing high school.
The goals for the parents include, reducing the number of times they go to court; preserving assets that would otherwise go to more expensive forms of conflict resolution (litigation); limiting conflict with the law the result of drug or alcohol abuse or violent behavior; limiting the risk associating with domestic violence. To affect these parental goals, we seek to have them disengage - tall fences make good neighbors. We want them out of each other's hair. To the degree we can meet these goals, the child related goals may fall in line.
Statistically, many of the parents seen as" high conflict", have underlying personality disorders - a very stable, but idiosyncratic view of themselves and others, not supported by objective evidence. Their idiosyncratic view of themselves and the world creates conflict between themselves and others even when they ascribe all manner of blame to the other.
Common to the pattern of personality disorder seen is a fellow with a narcissistic personality disorder and a woman with either a borderline, histrionic or dependent personality disorder. In the event of working with a couple where one parent has a personality disorder, statistically the odds are better than 50/50 that the other parent will have a personality disorder too.
I have a reputation for being willing to take on referrals of these very challenging parents. As challenging as the parents may be, somehow or other, many of them find support systems and even lawyers whose issues mirror their own. This can escalate conflict for all involved and increases the risk of the service provider being scapegoated and becoming a new target of blame in the family drama.
Good guidance seems to fall flat in these situations. Next you need good workers who have strong boundaries themselves, so as to avoid being inducted into the family drama and remain focused on the needs of the children even when positioned as the new target of blame.
The risks of working with these families is actually quite great for the service provider and includes public vilification, spurious claims of impropriety, internet complaints, complaints to licensing bodies and even lawsuits.
Why would anyone do this work?
Kind of like fishing... Many may get away, but occasionally our work really helps a child, even if only modestly.
That makes it all worthwhile.
I am a social worker.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
(905) 628-4847
gary@yoursocialworker.com
http://www.yoursocialworker.com
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Dundas Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America.
(905) 628-4847
gary@yoursocialworker.com
http://www.yoursocialworker.com
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Dundas Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America.
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